What does it take to Surrender?

Honestly? I never would have if my mind hadn’t become broken. If suddenly I was no longer able to keep one tab at a time open, and instead endless pages stared at me in the face. Too much to do, not knowing what any of that is, all at the same time, all of the time. The brain injury? The ptsd? Epilepsy?

Perhaps all three but It’s too much. So it’s easier to let it all go and let each moment unfold, trusting I will be guided instead of always taking control. Which was my mode de operas and would have remained so. I’m a type A. Most of us are.

No one is able to just enter a spiritual way of life. Not that I have … it takes certain experiences and conditions to force one to have fewer choices than one did before. To force one into a form of submission and introspection. And perhaps like in my case, it became one of the sanest choices all. Ti just give it over, than keep hanging on. Which I did for so long. After about three years of denial, attributing it is absence it official diagnosis to anything and Everything else. That could be ‘fixed’.

To take my will back now would be to forever he the way I was. So

instead why not believe that there is some divine purpose, that I have a better chance of attaining should I step out of the way. Something I would have been incapable of doing if I had had a direct conscious choice in the matter/ as the mind, at least mine; enjoys too much employing all sorts of schemes of controlling my life and time so that I don’t have to think of any of what I have been left with now/ with Plenty of time to think about it!

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