1st draft: unedited; Because I never lie and I will no longer be lied about and I will continue this story…. tbc

  • Unbelievable Truths

How does one begin to tell a story of what they are not allowed to tell. When I say allowed, I mean to tell a story in so far as there is no punishment for it. Whether by the legal entities or the parents that be whose interventions and collaborations have already caused much grief. It’s time me for the truth to be known. And not their made up Version in which I am the antithesis of my character that I’ve always been known to be. So far one of the other punitive measures after speaking the truth; as though that is some aberrant behavior when their lies spread like a virus and snuffed outs ability to receive what I needed to heal. JUSTICE. COMPASSION ANS MEDICAL ATTENTION.

They left the country as soon as they had me committed against my will. Collaboration with federal authorities , all my mothers has to do was lie . To the police about my mental state _instwad I’d call me; she did. You see she was upset with an unflattering post I’d written whuch merely mentioned her…as well as about ready to become NLADC licensed and engaged. Her deep rooted fear that u would take the express away from them perhaps activated yet pathology. She exacted her lies perfectly and she was issued the prayer request. Having committed me in a state of withdrawal from several meds I’d been denied by my psychiatrist three days prior she has turned on her heel to catch up with my father who had left without so much as looking at me. A child that had gotten all As, good to hage in class, aced college and grad school and never had any legal problems I’d the past. I’d never been told box I never had a boundary said and this was because I never did things I wasn’t supposed to do and they knew this and yet still collaborated: HAD THEY heard me, seen me THEN; had they stopped and called; I wouldn’t be didabled. This doesn’t mean I blame them it just means that if they had left maybe I would be fine . And that’s been the case for far too many times . So many times now I will speak up and I will say it loud and clear and not delete it . EVER

SO SOME punitive measures invariably catch up with me when either gets wind that I’ve spoken my truthZ they say I am threatening thrm. Bit their lies which caused immense irreplaceable damage they do not account for, have manipulated and disguised… are they worried they’ll be found out? They should be because I won’t live WITHIN THEIR LIES BUT OUTSIDE IN THE LIGHT. The truth. I’ve always said and lived thetruthS. Nothing I have ever done has ever done damage to anyone. Words are as bad as I get. But my Paramus. Those who hurt me, they are a different sorry and funny thing is? TI this day despite their own damning actions and incompetence nearly killing meV and disabling em for lofe? They Blake me for the results and have never taken action against any of the offenders. Because it won’t make them lookgood. No instead it would expose that they did the opposite of what any caring parents would have…and not for a good, legal, just nor moral reasons, but instead own self interest, protection of their own indiscretions and illegalitirs. Because you see just because I ended up severely federally disabled ineffective everybody acting out against me it is me who is not supposed to tell the actual story. And it is Me Who is supposed to pay for the consequence and instead falsity being said.

I say I don’t think so

Fuck that. 

I don’t know what you’ve heard and I wish I cared more but I care enough so that is why I speak. Because you see if I do not then I will never be known, my actual self instead crowded out amongst the stories fed voraciously by a lack of justice which would have been without failure been followed up upon and prevailed, had things gone as they should. But since when did that become.? Since when was the federal government indicted for solicited attempted murder exactly and it isn’t going to happen now 

They say that justice and compassion heals, that is why they are available but even in the worst, that doesn’t mean that that is what one receives, most especially when it is the federal state and local authorities who have committed the human rights violations against you in an unwarranted federal search upon your place and person. They were wrong as they had been certain. Tiles all screwed on my ceiling, plugs I learned what anybody who works for the state knows that the feds don’t take accountability for the shit in the people they shit on but instead they pay state employees big bucks to white wash liabilities…. liabilities like me.

And I became quite  a large and unexpected one over the years…The more entrapments I outsmarted the greater liability I became as then more authorities were then involved. Should I blame myself ? Was this my fault, their mistakes, illegalities, my consequences and mere curiosity? Of what? That’s part of the story we need not yet get to, but is relevant and that it is indicative that I was searching interested in a light mint ancient cultures and the way they knew far more than we do, today unable to re-create what they the first civilizations built to God before God was even a construct a religion was a fad.

What I was guilty of?

I tried to protect myself and get the medical help I needed those were my only crimes. And yet now? I am seen and known as a very angry character when I was never known to express much of any at all before. 

  • The audience. So far the receiving audience of my story has been dubious at best, they not relating, comprehending, having the patience, giving a shit or all of the above. I don’t blame them. It’s too much and I’m so sick of hearing about it, through my own mojthX it coming out as mechanical as though I have no emotion connected to it. Fact is, after saying so many times what happened to he labelled, called paranoid psychotic in absence of any diagnoses for the first 32 years of my life. It was like a slow crucifixion, having been respected and admired  to devalued and projected upon within a ten-year period due to my becoming federally disabled; they’re mistaking my disability for my character. Perhaps God wants me to wonder how many times I’ve done that myself in my life to another . Whose life is this anyway! Apparently not

   Mine anymore, the prognosis not looking too positive

And truly what was I to say how was I to explain where I was I had to begin had I known these people from my birth they would have known that it was not me speaking at certain points but these people did not be a work we’re not able to differentiate between who I was and my brain ability

at this point when I talk about it I do not . This excludes the few. The few that were there. State officials well aware that no governmental entity will take accountability for their legalities, those who are well acquainted with the way that things truly work not the way we are told that they do

They will tell you that the feds pay state employees big bucks to white wash liabilities like me. So How I became such a liability? Where is this story going . It the story of the last decade but I got to that place somehow. There’s always a story behind the story and often that one matters far more tgan the resulting occurrence, consequences or anything seen. It is perhaps within the decades proceeding, The characters there in that had far more to do with where I am at today than the 10 years resulting only as they did and may, given the former. 

There was a time before then, and that was where it all began you know. Where it does for each of us. Thirty years former. In a home where I now understand my own infant eyes more likely than not met cold empty ones in replace of the nurturing motherly kind. I suppose it depended on the company she was in, her mood and a variety of other factors; as to break her image was to show her face, her hand, that she was not as she had others believe. We knew but should we tell the truth. Always came consequences, withholding merely for being honest about her temper tantrum that morning over not catching my gerbil.

It was her birthday Z and it infuriated her that she has to begin it as such. I can imagine this 

constant back and forth would cause confusion, distresss and constant anticipation for an infant and child, a need for some stability that would not come easy. My father was a recluse and far more likely to do what he knew would make her happy than what we needed ourselves as children. Essentially they both still as themselves and ar the bear of her moments my mother is able to account not only for this but for having lied to the chief of PD and saying I was suicidal well knowing I was not, neither having called. It was retaliation though they told everyone elsewise/ it cause complete devastation and havoc that can not be erased and caused consequences I was repeatedly blamed for. 

For the first twelve years of my life I would wake with my stomach in knots, perhaps one of the only physical indicators ther somehthfng was wrong. But when I think back, it feels as though I am flailing and waiting for someone to catch me. But no one ever did. I had to learn to catch myself. Speak up for myself. They never helped me

My parents are of the sort that when they see struggle they do not offer help, but readily do when uncertain if their help is needed or see it and their help is no longer needed.

I’ve given up on expecting one call a week that I’ve requested though my mother was eager to be in ready contact when I had not needed nor asked.Weekly at least,, she would leave messages that I very much need now. But now…It’s almost as though she is lashing out, for those years past I returned no ones call, my injuries and brain damage not yet diagnosed nor treated. I couldn’t think, didn’t know why akd was in denial.  My desperate pleas for help that went completely without notice fed the need to suppress the reality of the injuries. 

Now that I am alone, having walked from an engagement I should not have been in, but had no choice but to remain in, it is as though she is lashing out at All she has resented me forZ while I’m down. Really off the coach. Federally disabled. How many times they tried to sabotage my Social Security I cannot even tell you because they’ve always wanted complete control. They will lie and tell you that it’s the last thing that they want even though they partition things down to the last penny. Their actions DEFY their promises and words. Always. There’s no trust there. 

It seems as though any truth is followed by some punitive restrictive measure that cannot quite be pinned, the absolute antagonistic tone so seemingly caring (to one not aware it is said in a sense of any correlating actions at least, to convey what has been said of done is near impossible without sounding as though I am paranoid ungrateful or in some way confused. If others Saw them in action, the words would be far worse than if they aligned truth with their intent and actuality as iooose to say what makes them appear as they need but not act out what these words say or mean. But can I proven that? Can I prove they do not come to Maine to see and be with me? No I can notZ but they can prove all the love in their hearts if it is there of whether they not have the capacity. It is not tie words that matter but the actions -and nearly every one of their has proven either detrimental or been Ana tremor to take control, afyer repeatedly stratified they want nothing to do with my financial affairs.they lie, either to or themselves, either way they act out the opposite of what they had promised and said . To me. And to others 

he narcissism of my parents as acute as their intelligence, making them a danger to anyone who did not embellish the image ever more important than the reality of our family, even a child’s undoing would be met by cold hands and hearts, those same ones proclaiming so authentically to the world, their worry, their concern. But the actions did not align in the leaat with the proclamations should the actuality of the last decade be revealed. And should it not be righted, I will be known as a version of myself that has no correlation to myself. So when I go ‘home’ it is no longer their the fabric of our community once tightly woven now unraveleleed to The degree my mother could go in there and make knots and snares out of what used to be the truth. You see there were new people to replace the ones who had known My mothers temper. This new audience was as ignorance to her anger as my neighbors were more than adept at hearing it while we grew up. Chipping ice off the driveway in the winter. Her incessant cussing. Caroline Whitman, the sole witness to her past the only party of the ten at my mothers 70th whose story was this, putting a hatchet down in the middle of all the fluff my mother had created out of all her wanted parts, having discarded all her unwanted ones onto me, the unknown daughter, except to tur Whitmams. Who came up to me after and told me “parents are often wrong”.

They still saw. They still knew. Amidst the horror of all that was happening and that I could not tell them. They still saw me, even if they hadn’t been told of the injuries and instead of was what it never was, a bad relationship, drugs, things I hadn’t thought of since my mid twenties.

But my mother wouldn’t have to keep up the act for long. Hide information. Soon all those I’d known had moved out of town to places I do not know.

 Her duplicity, once terrifying to me as an infant, no recollection save the faint body resonance remembrance., I’d call no attention to her behavior now, nor while she was alive, were it not continually to my detriment. Were it not for the fact that my father and sister who once were my protectors have slid out of the picture, either into some dementia and path of least resistance to turning away and continuing it to look, such as wfh my sister. The words I most remember her saying to my father in front of my mother in defense of mg person were always

Mom you know mom did not do or say tha

I Recall that as clearly as I recall having no idea of what she was saying

it not at a point that oantagonized as though the are looking for some material in which to say hey look see she is as we say she is the former to my severe injuries and accidents I was known as nothing other than self contained, save the angry email spat out during a blackout in my early 20s. But now Im the wake of the departure of all who once knew Her, she was able to recreate herself to the extent she has either competent forgotten her own temper and anger, without severe injuries, as oppose to in any way relate. Instead she will point all out that was not as it was before as some character trait, when of all people she would know or was not their before. But now I am the perfect canvas for her projections, lies, manipulations. And In return I will offer the truth. The truth of who I am, not whom she has needed so desperately to paint, her unwanted projections.Her mecurial moods which had me waking up with my stomache always in knots. . But that was then and she couldn’t get away with what she can now, With a Husband who has decided to take the path of least resistance he sister who has turned her back in favor of her own envy and fear and all those who do not know the truth, do what she pleases with me. And all my assets. All that she has wanted to control my entire life. Were thwt not true than many things would be done very differently. And not partitioned In a way so your federally disabled daughter needs to ask for laundry money. Because the $100 didn’t last. I’m 42 years old and was independent prior to my disability. The first occurring in 2011. I was then on my own and lived one year at home. A year I learned why my sister became whom she did. 

Why she never comes home and told me one night to this day she denies. That neither should i. I got halfway there and it seemed the first opportunity she had, she clipped my wings, an internship away from MLADC. It was as though she has done nothing but enjoy watching me try and fly with these bloody stumps which I know will needed heal . But like that bird I will keep on trying because really what else option is there

father’s eyes are complete forgetting who I am or simply at 83 surrendering completely to her control and allowance of her behavior towards me always backing her up and triangulating. I, at the age of 42, have never been treated so poorly by my parents and they will say fairy fairy fairy clearly that is in reaction to Julies  on anger and behavior when the fact remains, that r was not their prior to being disbelieved labelled and not medically treated despite desperately asking and specifically the actuality. 

My mistake? Was believing that I would be believed because I have had never had a reason not to be but it was so unbelievable what it happened to me that along side the injury I just sounded crazy. What happened to me? When? Over the course of a decade beginning in 2011.But we are not there yet. That is simply the marker the marker of the time that I realized the depth of my parents pathology and the fact that it even alarmed my father’s colleague to the degree…after what he saw he was capable of…? he still fears him to this day. I didn’t know what they we’re capable of the worst I knew of my father was him saying to people it would be a shame if you and then threaten some loss and coming from my father and his esteemed position it was always taken serious. So he threatened. And always got his way by way of this bullying yet when the truth was my way out, he condemned that I soeak of it, as the version that was told, was not applicable to the actuality of offense but far more so to rationalize why my parents did not come to help until 2013 with a pastor essentially holding their hand to make a 2 Hour Drive. Prior to this I had to beg them to get me medical help my fiancé had to beg them for bail telling them I was severely injured which they denied him being overseas and plenty of other things that if people who know my sister and I and my family growing up New as well would be beyond appalled.  they would Step in and help me. But you see no one knows. No one knows the actuality and no cares anymore. No one wants to know. So I’m left with the vestiges of this mess and two narcissistic parents for whom I am no longer able to perform. Though my minds speed could conquer light the wiring got quite mixed up in regions that does not at all help alleviate the  trauma. In fact the temporal lobe epilepsy invites is to the degree I am convinced it is all happening. Again. I mean it did go on for years *. I do know I’m a liability so long as I’m credible and free. As I know that so long as I live I will have a target on my back simply for having overcome every obstacle laid down by officers. One against dozens. An exhaustive army. Against me. Now my body has paid the price and can no longer sit in fight or flight… it will kill me, my heart no longer able to tolerate cardiac exercise which I thrived on greatest prior. It’s amazing what stress can do. It can stop your heart and it WILL wear it out. As it did mine. To have every authority you were conditioned to know you could trust instead be against you while you were severely injured and they were repeatedly harassing you was exhausted and I could not do it forever. I can not. Please stop

I’ll never forget the way my mother walked away that day so way before she did she turned to me after I said to her you know you should be here instead of me I know she said plainly currently they left the country three days later leaving me or my mom’s lies with soon be uncovered. When they were the judge ordered her at my commitment hearing to therapy and me to nothing, my discharge absolute. they had not anticipated that I would be released at all, nor that there would be any hearing. In fact I got a hold of the paperwork and it issued a third transfer. That never happened . In report it stayed my mother stayed me suicidal to the Hanover Pd to get a prayer request issued in order to have me committed. I was the opposite of a state they knew I’d never been in and she was aware of that fact. . She outright lied out of resentment. Fact is she collaborated with what I could have resulted in far more trauma than it did, their expecting me to fall further into a torturous state (wd) stayed as Inhumane In the US and UK. And my human rights has been violated in a sense of any guilt, which I had none. which would then be labeled psychosomatic and then maybe well I’m not sure what was their plan for me… being torn off an amount of a medication that was labelled torturous. And denying I’d ever been on it.to claim a withdrawal which would have made the most self contained MARINE lose his shit? That was horrific. In and OF ITSELF.

What hadn’t been anticipated it was my fiancé who insured RITE-AID faxed New Hampshire state hospital the fact that I had been on this medication and soon it was all turned around which should not have beenZ so many things over the years they hadn’t anticipated, yet neither had I. What I did know as I realize now!m? I never once saw my end at the hand of one of their entrapments. They were not a Gods and it was only for him to decide when and where I left this earth. I’d that were not the case I’d Long Beach dead by now. 

But what.. what instead? I try not to think about it

And that was just the beginning 

My mother lying to the chief of police in Hanover New Hampshire saying I was suicidal in order to get a prayer request so they could commit me in order that the feds and state be able to search and seize my place in person. But that is not the story. The story begins thirty years prior. Though I shooed there are things you learn about those close as to you, only when circumstances are different. Things you learn about your parents pathology that for so long you had sublimated to survive. To believe I had two loving whole adult parents. Not two flawed traumatized people who due to their own demons were narcissistic and could love us only so far as we represented them well. So fond they were at hiding their hatred at contempt for us in front of others when we were not their perfect reflection. And for the head I was the opposite of it, I faved sadistic triangulation on a level that would traumatize one subjected to it even if it weren’t incurrrr by his own parents. 

My mom. My sister was always angry with her. and I never took any time to discover why that may be. Now I understand. Completely. 

I was insulated in ways my sister was not growing up, but only by means of dissonance and dissociation. Her tools? Ampere is and absolute perfectionism to the degree she would MARK the rothpaate and shampoo to know if I had used any. Which meant Nothijg co soaring out parents bought our maintenance proudicts growing up. Bit to her it was some major disruption. I comprehend now it was her way of expressing having constant boundaries violated by my mothers inability to Amos is to have abuzz and should we ask I’m for it kf withoit oit colpanh, any nurturant would be replaced by an icy emptiness. Something to be avoided at a time that to botD would be to be unable to deny what and whom we lived with. A mother who had no coal city to be oneX but seemed to care and thrice when we did her justice, neber when we had issues or feelings. Those she jscsevdesig with and it was certainly far from my fathers Specialty he taught marketing at the Dartmouth tuck school since two years before my both in 1977. A year he was likely still humbled unequal not caught up in his narcissism to the degree that it was pathological to the point where he no longer told my mom to apologize, get it together or stop. In fact today it is as though she has complete control over him he like a laptop whenever she leaves him he runs to try to find her. Granted he is 83; but he needn’t treat her like a needed motherZ .

But that is exactly what she represents to him on many levels as well as her being his prize. He would have spent his entire life time showing her off if he’d had opportunity to. Coming over from Europe he seem to Miss White all the American man we’re not interested. I suppose to Germans, The ability to discern charisma and enactment with actual pathology was lost on him. Or perhaps he solely just wanted and desperately needed it to be. Even when ij kater life it became increasingly evident. He kept a tabs on it,  Mike clearly marking the time that peace begin when he returned home between 530 and six as she would be forced to reconcile certain impulses.  Not to mention that is exactly when they broke the Sheri out. And now I know why she always made her dinner so slow, a half hour fix a full blown home grown tomato sauce from scatch, and then far more time for her to itch that qlcoholkx scratch she would never admit to this dwyS was as such. Bit were it not she could have given it uoS and there was never an evening she cohkdZb. How many per evening I am not sure but my guess by her foul Moods in the morning we’re likely between 3-5: and she is a slight woman, 5’10”; 143lbs. Her figure means a lot to her. As well as , I highly suspect, my father. I will cook her that even at the current age of 72 she looks incredible. My father has his down days but all in all appears far younger than his 83 years. So I suppose a relatively easy life will not stress a person nearly as much as one of survival and fight.  What will my mother say her big adventure was I have no idea because she is never had one

And I did not plan to have on of my own. But it happened and though the truth is stranger than fiction I will not lie to sound as though I am telling the truth instead I will tell the truth and take my chances with peolle not believing the truth I have nothing to hide and can evidence each of the statements I make/ here quick is a video I put together to synopsis the experience iced the last decade

If ISNT WHO I AM NOT IN ANY WAY DOES IT DEFINE ME, but gives you an idea why I’m at where I Am. Today

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